Just a couple of years ago, I used to be incredibly negative. There were as many things that bothered me and as Mother nature gave me a real big tongue, I often didn’t remain silent. I understand now I was collecting negativity and bringing it up to my loved ones. It was not a good idea. When I changed the environment and started meeting new people, my stragedy became different. I chose to be more quiet about things that bother me. And now … I realize that wasn’t a good choice either.
What I became is more positive, that is for sure. But I also became this vulcano that can burst out at any given pressure. I do remain silent as often as I can, but sometimes I just have had it enough. There comes time when I have to burst out. And along with the last thing that made me angry, I start remembering about the things that made me angry before. The things I didn’t react to. Not just yet.
So, what? What the hell am I even supposed to do?
I have this third option. I can speak my mind, but be positive at the same time. I can speak about things that bother me, but do so in a friendly and calm tone. Can I do that? Till now, I wasn’t able to.
I just am this person that has her own opinion. I cannot hide it or withdraw it. I am a strong person with a strong sense of mind. That brings me to all kind of problems, but I do not let be pushed around. I will never let anyone do that to me.
I do find my bursts incredibly annoying. I do not want to be angry. I do not want to hold onto grudges. But sometimes, it comes off naturaly. It’s just as if you have been screwing (pardon my words) with my mind to a point where I realized I just cannot take it anymore.
Negativity can tire us, that is for sure. And I am always trying to be the best version of myself. I want to be kind, supportive, strong and brave. Sometimes to be strong and brave, you have to speak your mind, even if it can hurt you or somebody around you.
Whether this behavior of mine is a good or a bad thing, that I do not know. I do know one thing: I am growing up, but hell that some people sometimes aren’t.