Largest Temperature

How growing up feels like: no resentment toward difference.

I am in that stage of life when I am constantly changing: growing up and trying to embrace myself with every version of who I might be. And I am not the only one that is changing. Everyone and everything is.

When I was younger, my circle of trust was bigger than it is now. We were all talking about problems to everyone we knew and to whoever was even slightly considered as our friend. Well, our problems used to be different back then anyway.
As I started growing up, I had a phase when I couldn’t trust anyone. I was feeling a little blue. I was feeling like I was abandoned by myself and anyone that knew me. I closed myself in and that forced me to learn to trust myself and just solve my issues by my own.
When I learned to do that (and it indeed took me some time), I was luckily able to abandon that phase and move on.
Then … I became a mix of my young and my blue self. Which basically leads me to my present self.

My present self likes to manage issues on my own as much as that is possible. I like having myself as a best friend. I have to be confident and happy enough to trust myself. But I also understand one thing my blue self never did. We can’t solve everything by our own. We need people who will be by our side and support us. We need people who are able to either subjective or objective give us advices. When we are ready, of course.

Now my trust circle isn’t big, but it’s important to me. It contains people I am very fond of. People who treat me good and deserve to be treated good back.

When I need people to lean onto, I know who is there for me.
However, I don’t need to lean onto them everytime I stumble upon an obstacle. Even though my self esteem still isn’t as good as I would like it to be, I am mentally in a good place – a place where I simply believe in myself and the fact that I am strong enough to do some things by my own.

When I was younger, I wasn’t strong. I was fragile and dependent. That’s why I believed I have to share every detail of my life. And, frankly … I wanted every person in my life to do the same.
I felt a little bit disappointed or uncomfortable when a friend decided to face their issues by their own. I felt like I wasn’t good enough of a friend if somebody didn’t want to talk to me everytime they were in a bad mood.

Now, I understand that people don’t face life the same. If somebody uses a different approach than I do, it feels alright.
This is growing up. I have no resentment toward difference.

My younger self wanted to give people advices and take care of them every minute of the day. Hell, my present self wants to do that as well. Yet, there’s this one thing that has changed: I respect people more and understand that their approach is indeed right. If somebody just needs a little time to breathe, I want to give it to them. A good friend will always come back to you when they normalize. And if they accept your approach as you accept theirs, you can always come back to them when you normalize.

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This entry was posted on May 23, 2015 by in psychology and tagged , , , .
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