I’ve been reading an amazing book these couple of days, it’s titled »Norwegian wood« and it was written by a Japanese writer Haruki Murakami. I definitely think that everyone should read that book at least once in a lifetime. I have trouble describing it, but something about it made me change as a person and I feel like it definitely left some kind of »consequences« inside of me.
I won’t talk about the entire summary of the book. There’s a certain quote in the book that I truly felt like I needed to talk about it. A character says multiple times that there are moments when he doesn’t »tighten the screws in his head«. How do I describe that? There are certain durations of time in our life when we feel like we need to be organised, »tight«, logical human beings with »quiet« emotions and quiet opinions.
In those moments, we tighten the screws in our heads, because we focus on being perfect more than we focus on the fact that it’s OK to be flawed. To me, I just feel like I need some time to relax from being a functional person from time to time. Sometimes I take time to dissocialize, be alone with my thoughts, not talk for a while.
People might think you are being rude when you are quiet and dissocialized, but really it just means you are trying to be human. I feel like that, at least. I feel like people, the activity in the outside world make me »tighten the screws in my head«, because there are certain rules of behaving, there are schedules and so on. All of those … Rules … Make me feel a different way.
During the work time, I get busy. I literally don’t have the time to worry about certain situations. I don’t have the time to fill my mind up with negative comments. The world is running on work days and we run alongside of it. Workdays give you a sense of structure, a sense that you really do have an organized life and that you’re striving toward your goal, whatever that goal might be. You need to spend time with all kind of people, you need to have a normal and grown up conversation with all of them. Bottom line is, you need to be a functional human being.
Weekends, for me, are the time when I loosen those screws, meaning I don’t follow any rules or shedules. I don’t feel connected to people and I therefore do not socialize as much. I take time to be alone and I take time to … Be less of a person than I normally am. I know this might not make sense to some, but I am truly trying to describe the emotions the way I feel them. Weekends are, for me, a disconnection from the real world. I feel like I plug my half-worn batteries into an outlet and I let them slowly fill up again, so I can be a part of the structured world the next day.
I feel like … Being sane doesn’t mean that you have to feel sane all of the time. Does that make sense? Sometimes I don’t feel 100% sane and it’s alright, because I don’t have to fit in all the time, my life doesn’t have to be structured and organised and the same goes for my thoughts.
I do feel like having my screws tighten makes me operate better. But at the same time, I always end up missing those moments when I don’t have to feel sane. I miss those moments when it feels OK to loosen the screws, cry and be as flawed as I can get.