Truth be told, my life has been one big emotional rollercoaster these past months. I’ve decided to move on as a person. I feel like, as casual and annoying as this phrase is, life moves too fast and I don’t want to spend any time on the wrong people and wrong situations.
I’ve decided to throw away some of the relationships I have worked hard on for years, simply because they weren’t working for me anymore. It was hard for me and it still is, whenever I think about it, but some of the friendships truly left a toxic feeling on me and it was time for me to move on. When I stopped trying to catch up with some of the people in my life, they voluntarily chose to leave my life and I’m going to have to be okay with that. Why? Because nothing was evolving anymore.
Even when things bother me as a person, I look past it. Simply because I know that we all have mistakes. When my mom says my dad’s stubbornness bothers her, she still ends up telling him she loves him at the end of the day. We make sacrifices and we embrace all of the flaws that people have. We expect them to do the same for us, because we’re flawed as well. I am so incredibly flawed, but it makes me feel like a real person. Whenever I laugh or cry or shout or talk about my emotions, I feel completed. Whenever I shut out, I don’t.
I’ve grown so much and it makes me feel proud of myself. I remember how negative I used to be, I didn’t laugh much and I always felt like this … Chubby, ugly person who was not only “incompleted” on the outside, but also on the inside. I had so much to give, but people never made me feel appreciated and I never made myself feel that way either. Now … I’ve still got a lot to learn, but I’ve got a big heart and I do love myself and everyone who loves me. It’s hard for me to let people know that sometimes, just because I feel like not everyone has a big heart.
Sometimes people are eager to fix you. They shout your flaws at you, as if you shouldn’t feel good about yourself. They walk all over you, even if you love them. I don’t want to be fixed and I think there is nothing for them to fix in me, even if I make mistakes. I am human and so are they. I am willing to talk about my flaws, but I expect them to do the same then.
I cannot face a person who is constantly throwing my mistakes at me, who is constantly talking about what made them upset and what made them feel angry, while they’re ignoring me … I get angry, too. I have feelings, too and I get upset. But I can see through the “me” point. I can comfort my friends, even when I have a bad day. I can fight for their rights, when they don’t have the courage to. I can give love even if I personally don’t feel loved at the moment. Friendships aren’t supposed to only be about “me” and “my feelings” and “my … whatever”. Friendships are about people compromising. Sometimes it simply feels like I am the only one doing the compromises. I am lighting myself on fire for the people who like seeing me burn.
And you know what? I’ll let everybody go through the door if they want to, I am not fighting for anybody who isn’t willing to fight for me. I’ve got other things to do.