I personally don’t like putting labels on people and saying: “Ah, I am an introvert!” I think that every person can be a mixture of an introvert and an extrovert in the right situation/experience (Google called those people by the term “ambivert”, by the way).
However, when it comes to me, personally … I am more of an introvert.
Being an introvert has both pros and cons and sometimes I truly like being an introvert.
I like the fact that I am a private person. It happened once or twice that people who knew me for a longer period of time found out about my hobbies, activities, may it be whatever … And they were shocked, because they didn’t think I’d do any of those things. I like to surprise. I truly believe that some people just don’t have the “right” to know me that well.
I like the fact that I don’t depend on other people too much and I can be alone. Some people just don’t know how to be alone, they’re always in the search of new people, new friendships, new relationships … I can be alone. And I definitely prefer being alone over being with the wrong kind of people.
I like the fact that I give my entire attention and love to a little number of people in my life. When I commit, I am all in. I want to know everything about you, I want to support you, be the ray of sunshine for you and be your biggest ally. I don’t have a lot of friends, that’s a fact. However, I have the most honest and beautiful friendships, so rare, too, with the people that are my friends.
Yet, sometimes, I don’t like being an introvert … I don’t like the fact that I give off the vibe of a cocky person, when I am in reality shy. I don’t like the fact that I feel drained out when I try to make new connections. I don’t like the fact that when I go out with an extrovert, I don’t have a good time. Extroverts are all over the place, they’re in the centre of attention and they don’t mind meeting new people and making connections. When you make a connection with me, it’s worth it, trust me. But it takes MONTHS for me to open up. I can’t make connection in one night, at a party, full of people that I don’t know at all.
And I seriously feel bad about that. I feel bad that when a friend tries to introduce me to their friend, I don’t feel like I am a part of that “connection” that they share. I can’t open up, I can’t relax and I often just … Space out. I give the vibe of a person who just isn’t interested in making any conversation. That’s sad.
I don’t want to be in the centre of attention, but I do need a lot of moral support and encouragement. I need to feel comfortable and I need to be a part of a group – not just phisically, but also mentally and emotionally. That takes a lot of time and investment and sometimes people just think I am not worth it. I can’t blame them, trust me. It’s hard to invest into someone that you don’t even know – it’s a GAMBLE! And that’s why I wish I wasn’t so … Complicated.
I sometimes wish I was more of an extrovert, so I could stop overanalyzing every person and every situation in my life and just … RELAX FOR ONCE.
(Don’t get me wrong, I have fun, I am actually a really funny person with little to zero boundaries, IF I am with the right company). But … Yeah …
Let me just wrap this up. I feel like I could say so much more, but currently, this is the most that I can make of my confusing thoughts.