Largest Temperature

The selfish side of me

I’ve been thinking about some things a lot in my head, but I haven’t truly expressed them – not as much as I’d like, anyway. I feel like it’d be good for me to write it all down, because writing always helps you cope with unprocessed things.
So … Here we go.

My parents bought a new house in the village, which means we will be soon moving out. Out of … An industrial city that I have spent my entire life in, that is 18 years. And I feel a little bit sad about that. It’s not a dreamy town. There’s a lot of old people and the youngsters are lazy and barelly sociable. It’s almost a dead city … Or it will be, quite soon. But you know what, it’s still my city. It’s my home and it has my heart. I’m going to college quite soon, which means I will be living in a new city I am not familiar with at least 5 days a week. After those 5 days, it would be really nice to come home to something I am familiar with. It’d be nice to sleep in my own bed, the one I have been sleeping in for 18 years. And instead … After being in a big city I don’t know anything about for 5 days, I will be coming “home” to a village that I am even less familiar with.

Yeah, so that’s selfish. My parents have been living in a town for about 28 years (if we count the age of my brother). I know they weren’t as happy as they could be if they lived in a village, because they grew up in one. Their heart pulls them back to the farm, the nature, the clear air with kind people who give you space. I personally appreaciate all of that, I truly do. But just as their heart pushes them to a village, my own heart doesn’t do the same. I truly respect the farmers, the hardworking people who have built themselves everything they have. Maybe one day I’ll feel at home with something like that … But now, I don’t.

Truth be told … If my parents haven’t bought a new house and they decided to continue to live in my hometown … I still wouldn’t have much to come home to. I am not really emotionally attached to the people who live here and I certainly don’t expect to stay in touch with any of them, no matter where I’ll live. So, maybe this entire situation is going to make some things easier. However … If nothing else, I have an emotional attachment to the place that has been my home for such a long time. No matter the past, the elemantary school experience that I have been trying to forget, the people that I don’t love … This place still has my heart.

It’s going to be difficult. Out of nowhere, EVERYTHING will be different and literally nothing will stay the same. I am excited about the changes, the new environments, the experiences … But I am also a little bit afraid that nothing will have my heart the way that this place, which is my hometown, does.

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2 comments on “The selfish side of me

  1. Jeff Rainwater
    March 12, 2017

    It’s never selfish to grieve loss of home. Thank you for your writing and for liking one of my poems. Your experience and reflection on my own history led me to another poem – https://thispastorspensieve.wordpress.com/2017/03/12/shoreline-behind-you/. May you find joy in your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    • largesttamara
      March 12, 2017

      Thank you so much for saying that, it makes me feel a lot better! 🙂 and I love your poems!

      Liked by 1 person

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This entry was posted on February 26, 2017 by in psychology and tagged , , , , .
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