It makes me feel a bit irritated when certain people forget that we all face situations differently. Just because your loved one would have reacted to something a certain way or would have said a certain thing, it doesn’t mean that you have to feel or/and act the same way. You certainly don’t have to and you probably won’t, if your free will means anything to you.
It’s painful for me to be friends with people who expect me to feel and act the same way they do. We’re all so different, we have different minds and sometimes we simply cannot see each other’s point of views. I’m a very honest person, therefore if I feel an emotional connection to you, I will most likely speak openly about private things. That includes talking about my deepest thoughts, the opinion on different topics, my feelings … If I share something that feels so personal, I definitely don’t want to be judged. I accept that everybody cannot understand where I am coming from when I am talking about something, but everyone is allowed to ask questions, such as: Why do you feel this way, what do you mean by that sentence …? You don’t have to agree, but you have to respect the person.
Saying things such as “Your feelings are stupid! Just stop feeling that way!” Or … “That’s crazy.” Or … “But I never feel that way.” is POINTLESS. You don’t help anyone by saying that. If anything, you shrink them. You make them believe that their feelings aren’t important, that they’re “wrong” for feeling something, just because you don’t understand it.
Whenever people do that to me, I always have the feeling that I cannot be comfortable around them, because I feel as if they attack me for being me – for being honest, truthful, VULNERABLE … And then I create an emotional wall. I cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t let me be me. I’m not “crazy” for being me. I’m not “irrational” for feeling certain things. And I respect myself enough to walk away from people who claim such things.
I understand you might have certain expectations for people. I personally have a couple of “ugly” habits, such as: not replying fast enough, finding excuses not to go out, ignoring certain topics … And if you behave differently, you might not understand why are they doing that etc. I can say this: I’m not perfect, but I AM working on being a better me. Every day! However, I also know that I’m not the only person that has “ugly” habits. Every single person has the room inside themselves for growth. You cannot expect me to change and “grow” when YOU are standing still.
It hurts when people expect you to change, because I understand that as if they simply don’t like the person you are. Things bother me about my friends, too, but I make compromises. I ignore some of the little things that bother me and I don’t expect them to change the big things that bother me and that I let them know about. People weren’t made to please me and I wasn’t made to please anybody. That means that in the end of the day, you either accept the person the way they are or you move on and meet new people.
It’s hard to be vulnerable nowadays. It’s hard to openly just be you, to wear your entire world on a platter and offer it to somebody else. Don’t be the person who shrinks others or who trample on them. Everytime people do that to me, it makes me more distant. And it makes me hurt more.