I have trouble defining why do my emotions change so quickly at times. Sometimes I feel almost too close to some people. I crave personal space and isolation. At other times … It feels like I am too far away from them. It feels like I am not making the connections that matter. It feels like I should be trying harder.
Sometimes building relationships can be so exhausting. It can take up all of my energy. I come home and I ask myself: do I need all of this? And everytime I ask myself that, the answer is … Yes. I do. I think that no person was made to be alone. We will always crave love, respect … We cannot live without those features. But I simply cannot decide whether I feel good when I am close to people or not.
I don’t know when was the time that I first started building walls infront of other people, but I simply learned to be a bit more alone. I learned to be quiet when I don’t feel right. I stopped explaining why do I feel a certain way, because it simply started being tiring. I feel good in my skin, most of the time anyway, but I am just a human being. I do have bad days. Hell, my entire life is made of good and bad, just like anybody else’s is. I am grateful for everything, I am happy and content with who I am. Therefore I take time to be alone, too. I take time to feel whatever I feel, the things that I do not know how to explain. Even though I am writing right now, a lot of my emotions still feel messy. I do not know how to explain them.
And that’s why it can be tiring to open yourself up to somebody else. It’s a beautiful moment, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like you will never be more vulnerable than you are in that moment. When you open yourself up … When you let somebody try to understand you and love you … That is not easy. It takes a lot of time and courage to get there.
It’s also a gamble. If you isolate yourself, you do not gamble with your emotions or your mental state. You have you and you know you cannot get disappointed or hurt. Yet … It’s not enough. You end up missing being close to somebody. You end up missing having someone to talk to when you don’t feel right. Even if you do not know what exactly do you want to say.
I don’t know. I guess I feel lonely at times and other times I do not feel alone enough. I do not know how to make a combination of the two. How do I make real connections with real people who will give me that satisfaction of being loved and respected, while still having peace and quiet?
And how do I stop being afraid of being either too close or too far away from people?
It’s not hard all the times. Sometimes I just do whatever feels right and I do not overthink everything in my life. However … It doesn’t always feel easy and uncomplicated, either. It’s a mix of the two.