While I definitely have to admit I “have a spine” (meaning I always step up for myself, you simply cannot make a fool out of me), I can also be too kind sometimes. I can worry too much about what do certain people think.
That doesn’t mean that I cannot dance and sing freely when I am outside, because I would worry how do I look. It doesn’t mean I struggle with talking and laughing loudly. It also doesn’t mean that I worry about having my own clothing style – wearing whatever I feel like wearing, whether or not that’s trendy. Thanfully, I can do all of those things.
It means I worry about saying the wrong thing to the people that matter. I worry about forgetting birthdays, about not saying “thank you” and “please” …. I worry about not being the kind of a person that friends and family expect me to be. Because, let’s be frank … We all have expectations. No matter how much we’re trying to teach ourselves to live without them, we can’t always succeed at that.
I can be a bit of a pessimist and I often tell myself: it’s better to expect nothing and be positively surpised than expecting something and being put down. Yet, I sometimes forget about that motto. I sometimes forget to not expect from people to say “thank you” if I’ve payed for their coffeee or to ask me about news in my life when we haven’t seen each other for a while. I think those kind of conversations and questions are the real indicators about how much people care. They show you who is the real friend and what are the real connections. I mean, that’s my own opinion, at least.
But of course, there are other ways to love people and we’re all flawed human beings, so we sometimes forget about the little things. We can forget that saying “thank you” can mean a lot.
I know I look into these kind of things too much sometimes, but I do give my entire time, love and dedication to the people I care about. Of course I expect them to do the same. Of course I feel bad when I’m feeling happy and they don’t show interest in my happiness. I also feel bad when I don’t show interest in somebody else’s happiness for whatever reason.
And I think too much into my own words. I worry too much about hurting people by not saying enough or by saying too much … It’s really hard to put these emotions into words, because I honestly don’t know whether you guys understand me and I don’t know whether I understand myself, either. Even the tone of somebody’s voice can make me worry. A different kind of an eye contact that they make … Different body gestures. I often worry about being too rude, too annoying, too … Well, vulnerable. Which, at the end of the day, I am either way. But it’s hard to embrace it for the beauty that it is, I often only see the ugliness behind it.
I do not know how to title this post, because it’s messy. But … It’s me. I couldn’t have described my personality better.