When I look back at my elementary school days I really don’t want to describe it as a bullying experience. It feels like 80% of people are now claiming to be bullied and I personally think that’s a heavy topic that cannot be defined just like that and it’s the same thing with depression. It seems like it’s “popular” to claim that you’re depressed, laugh at suicidal “memes” and God knows what … Meanwhile that’s the most unhealthy trend we have encountered on the internet, ever.
So … No, I wasn’t bullied. I wasn’t depressed. I did feel major discomfort in that environment, though and I couldn’t wait to move on. Nobody was perfect. We were all picking up on each other, we didn’t know a thing about having each other’s backs. That resulted in anger, loneliness and a lack of confidence. Not just with me, but with many people. Make sure you understand I am not playing the victim part. If I did, I would have described this experience as bullying. Since I know that many people had a bad experience, I’m not defining it as such.
It wasn’t all bad, either. We did have a lot of fun times. As more time passes, I seem to forget about the bad experiences and I’m constantly focusing on the good ones. Which is good. But it doesn’t mean that time of my life didn’t leave a permanent stamp on me, because it did.
And when any of those people who I am desperately trying to stay away from … Because they don’t bring me peace, love or happiness … Brings up an idea of a reunion, I’m suddenly feeling overwhelmed and a bit panicky. “How about a reunion?” How about no?
I know I am the one to overreact and I know that many of those people grew up and changed for the better. Probably. I know I did. I matured a real deal and I’m constantly proud of myself, even though I know I am STILL not at my finish line, but I’m allowing myself to accept who I am and grow on that even more. Yet … When some of those people even look at me, I suddenly feel like I am 13 years old again. I suddenly feel too opened. Vulnerable. I feel like they know every little detail about me, even though they have no right to know anything about me, at all.
And just BECAUSE I’m giving myself a chance to grow, better myself, learn something from my own mistakes, I do not feel the urge to associate with any of those people. I stayed in touch with the ones that matter and I can proudly say I wouldn’t have wanted to stay in touch with anybody else. I lost a couple of friends that meant a lot to me and I’m doing just fine. Why would I miss the kind of people that didn’t result in me being a good person or at least the kind of person that I would like to be, that I aspire to be?
The reason that this post is on my blog right now isn’t the fact that I want to stir drama. It isn’t a wish to “cry over my life”, because my life is fabulous, awesome and absolutely exciting. No sarcasm used. However, I am a real human being with messy thoughts and a lot to say. I always feel like this is a safe place and you guys almost understand what I mean. And … I am vulnerable.
Having said that, I have to thank you for constantly letting myself be as flawed as humanly possible, but still encouraging me just by reading every single post and not judging me. I’m not sure whether I’ve said everything I wanted to say … But I feel better. Have a good week!