Raise your hand if your number one hobby is overthinking. Hell, I’d have to raise both of my hands and it still wouldn’t do me justice! Here’s proof … I actually thought of this post at about 3 am when I woke up for no clear reason and started thinking about, basically, everything. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?
I hate the fact that I have a lot of unfinished business with some people … I hate that we didn’t tell each other exactly how we feel before we fell apart or even after. I hate the fact that I feel uneasy when I see certain people on the street, because I am not sure whether I should say hello to them or avoid them instead. I hate that I haven’t closed certain feelings, opinions … It all feels unfinished and I don’t think I know how to finish anything.
I’ve told my mother today:”I have days when I feel sad and uncomplete and I have days when I am full of good energy and happiness. It comes and goes. In waves.” I think that’s quite normal. It’s especially hard not to think about your life when you’re all alone and have nothing else to do. That’s why I know I always get up after a hard day and that’s why I allow myself to feel down in the first place. I feel complete when my life doesn’t only seem white, but it has elements of darkness, too.
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how do I forget the people that haven’t been present in my life, no matter how much time passed. I don’t know how to erase the good memories, which I would love to do sometimes, as crazy as that sounds. I sometimes wish I could be left with the bad memories, so I’d at least understand why did I fall out with some friends and why did certain things happen. When all you have left is the good memories, you start wondering what was so bad about a situation or a relationship. You try to convince yourself that you shouldn’t have left some people. But … The truth is, whatever felt right in that moment in the past, was right. I hate the fact that I forget that.
God, I miss some people. I miss the conversations we had. I miss the way I laughed when I was next to them and the way they made me feel.
But … I don’t miss the times when I was wondering:”What is going on in your head? What are you thinking? What do you feel?”. I don’t miss the times when I felt uneasy, uncertain or like I was supposed to be more, like our relationship was supposed to be more.
Tomorrow I’ll be a different person and I’ll be thinking about different things. Today … I’m feeling a little bit broken.