Largest Temperature

An open letter to nobody, yet somebody.

Raise your hand if your number one hobby is overthinking. Hell, I’d have to raise both of my hands and it still wouldn’t do me justice! Here’s proof … I actually thought of this post at about 3 am when I woke up for no clear reason and started thinking about, basically, everything. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?

I hate the fact that I have a lot of unfinished business with some people … I hate that we didn’t tell each other exactly how we feel before we fell apart or even after. I hate the fact that I feel uneasy when I see certain people on the street, because I am not sure whether I should say hello to them or avoid them instead. I hate that I haven’t closed certain feelings, opinions … It all feels unfinished and I don’t think I know how to finish anything.

I’ve told my mother today:”I have days when I feel sad and uncomplete and I have days when I am full of good energy and happiness. It comes and goes. In waves.” I think that’s quite normal. It’s especially hard not to think about your life when you’re all alone and have nothing else to do. That’s why I know I always get up after a hard day and that’s why I allow myself to feel down in the first place. I feel complete when my life doesn’t only seem white, but it has elements of darkness, too.

I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how do I forget the people that haven’t been present in my life, no matter how much time passed. I don’t know how to erase the good memories, which I would love to do sometimes, as crazy as that sounds. I sometimes wish I could be left with the bad memories, so I’d at least understand why did I fall out with some friends and why did certain things happen. When all you have left is the good memories, you start wondering what was so bad about a situation or a relationship. You try to convince yourself that you shouldn’t have left some people. But … The truth is, whatever felt right in that moment in the past, was right. I hate the fact that I forget that.

God, I miss some people. I miss the conversations we had. I miss the way I laughed when I was next to them and the way they made me feel.

But … I don’t miss the times when I was wondering:”What is going on in your head? What are you thinking? What do you feel?”. I don’t miss the times when I felt uneasy, uncertain or like I was supposed to be more, like our relationship was supposed to be more.

Tomorrow I’ll be a different person and I’ll be thinking about different things. Today … I’m feeling a little bit broken.


4 comments on “An open letter to nobody, yet somebody.

  1. snickers
    July 9, 2017

    i feel you 100%, especially at overthinking, unfinished businesses & down days. 🍻 *cheers*

    Liked by 1 person

  2. effcaa
    July 10, 2017

    heheh am with you on the overthinking bit 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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This entry was posted on July 9, 2017 by in psychology and tagged , , , , .
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