I sometimes struggle with understanding myself – who I am and/or who am I supposed to be, but I think there’s one way to describe myself perfectly and it is by saying that I struggle finding the line between “too much” and “too little”.
What exactly do I mean by that? I either give my heart out completely and fully – or I struggle by being close to people. I either talk about everything that is on my mind – as much as I understand, at least – or I do not open up about a single thing. I either care about every crushing thing on this Earth, every opinion and everything going on in general – or I feel empty. There’s a quote that goes like this:”I don’t know what grey is. I never did.” And to tell you the truth, I don’t think I ever will, neither.
I sometimes feel ridiculous. I feel ridiculous when I’m opening up to somebody and I don’t feel like they’re truly listening to me or like they even care at all. Other times, it doesn’t even matter who cares about what. It’s the matter of the energy of the day and the energy of my mood that in the end determines what makes me feel soft and what makes me feel hard.
I feel ridiculous whenever it feels like I have said too much, shared too much and a person knows too much, but I also feel ridiculous whenever I’m hiding in my shelf and not giving anybody a chance to know the real me.
But, like I have said it, I don’t even feel like I know the real me. I don’t want to sound all psychological and write things like “I think, therefore I am” and God knows what else that sounds incredibly deep, but in fact doesn’t have any actual meaning. That’s not the point. On the other hand – proofreading your mind and turning it into something else, just so other people can understand it better, isn’t the point, neither.
I overthink. I know that. I search for a meaning in everything, may it be a good or a bad one. I have countless of questions and I always search for the same number of answers. It doesn’t give me a sense of relaxation, nor does it ever bring me anywhere.
Could I just stop analyzing everything? People are good, relationships are good, positivity is good … But why do I sometimes struggle getting a hold of those things? Why do I sometimes struggle making friendships and conversations? Why do I sometimes feel so out of place? And the next day I’m OK and I am just being me?
It’s the weirdest thing in the world. I’d love to feel grey from time to time. I’d love to be able to experience good and bad emotions at the same time, without feeling like one of the sides are dominating. I’d love to be angry at somebody for a legitimate reason, but also be happy with somebody else at the same time. I don’t know how to do that … I am either too black or too white. I have both positive and negative layers of my personality and both of those layers can be too overwhelming.
Anyway … That’s just how I feel some days, when I have too much time to think.