I could say I’m quite known for holding things against my own self. Why did I say this, why did I do that? How can I be less awkward, less boring, more confident, more … Something? I ask these questions all the time. The good thing is, though, that more often than not, I end up comforting myself, as well, by saying:”You did a mistake. Get up. Learn from it.”
The one “mistake” that hurts me more deeply than others is when I trust somebody and it turns out to be the wrong decision. I do not open myself up easily (unless it’s a stranger behind a computer … You sure know a lot about me, don’t you?). I calculate. I get to know the “risks”. I give the person a chance to be honest first, so I understand who they are, how do they think and whether or not they will relate to me. It sounds tiring and you know what? It is. But! When I put a bet on somebody, it’s *usually* the right one, because I truly took the time to decide.
And just because I take the time … It feels horrible when I am wrong. It feels horrible when I am having a bad day and I feel crazy for having a bad day, because – hey! I do not have financial problems, I have a loving family, a bunch of beautiful friends, a lot of adventures to go to and in general – a VERY good life. But, something inside me, for just a couple of moments, and for whatever reason, doesn’t feel right. I feel crazy because of that. Yet, in hope that somebody else will tell me that I am behaving normaly, that everybody can feel the same way and that it’s just a bad moment, not a bad … “century” … I pick one person to share this with. And then I am wrong. And then they make me feel even crazier, because my first instinct not to trust anybody and my first instinct that I am insane for feeling the way I feel – was right. (Even though it wasn’t, but it just feels that way.)
Yeah. Tiring. And in those times I also feel like I have to isolate myself, keep my feelings down, ignore them and never open up about them, ever. Because … “Nobody understands me. They will make fun of me. They will point fingers at me.” Uh- uh, who is “they” and why do “they” matter? You can make a bad calculation from time to time, but the beauty in that is the fact that you can learn from it. We can all learn from so many mistakes. Don’t let one person persuade you that love isn’t great. Don’t let one person persuade you that trust isn’t great. DEFINITELY don’t let ANYBODY persuade you that you aren’t worth of having an opened discussion, being yourself, being vulnerable, without fearing to be made fun of or be opressed.
Set up boundaries which person can know what about you, because not all of people are worth of coming face to face with your courageous and honest heart. That’s the truth. However! Don’t put up walls because of those people. In a world like ours, you can go out right now and you might end up meeting somebody that will relate to you completely with everything you’ll say. Don’t miss out on that just because one person screwed something up. Learn from that. But let yourself love as much as you did before the “mistake” happened.
And also? You aren’t crazy for feeling a certain kind of a way. You definitely aren’t crazy when people try to convince you that you are by acting the way they do. You have to trust yourself, you have to be you. That’s all there is to it.